Starry, starry night

Well, I've been looking at horoscopes recently, more out of boredom than anything else. I went to Britain for 10 days (hence no recent posts-more about the trip later) and read newspapers on the flight to alleviate the boredom on the flights to and from. And what I discovered was astounding.

Not that I believe much, if any, of what I read. I mean, who really knows if Fate is controlled by a Supreme Being, or by God, or by skyblue pink spacemonkeys. Well maybe David Icke does, but for the rest of us it's a mystery. What I do know is that whatever is driving the existential bus, it is unlikely to be communicating with the human race by telling Mystic Meg or whoever to put the future on page 34 of The Daily Blurb. However, a lot of people would disagree, so to quench the fire of their anger at my scepticism, I've decided to commune with the Cosmos and see what I can come up with myself. Here goes...

Aquarius - beware the Ides of March, and steer clear of orange for the next few days. Perhaps a spell as a transvestite would help show you the way.

Cancer - you are vindictive with your claws and pincers. My advice is, do unto others as they woud do unto you. Only make sure you do it first.

Capricorn - Tuesday next could hold a cathartic experience for you, so make sure you take some clean knickers to work.

Pisces - get a tattoo, your Mum will love it. Preferably somewhere pink and delicate where your Mum hopefully will never see it. Also, if you swallow metaphorical chewing gum, it will wrap around your metaphorical heart and kill you. Metaphorically, of course.

Aries - proud of your horns, are you, Mr Ram ? Well, the Pennsylvania Dutch have a word for what you have, taken from the Low German dialect. It's 'Arschnoedel.'

Taurus - you are such a stud, you could have any starsign you want. Just make sure it's not Hernia, the Contortionist, or you might end up at the Clap Clinic by next weekend.

Gemini - twins, kinky...

Leo - hear me roar, baby. You'd get on well with Gemini.

Virgo - stay away from Gemini. And Taurus.

Sagittarius - if you love someone, set them free. If they don't come back, hunt them down and kill them

Libra - the scales. Stay out of McDonalds of you don't want to be mistaken for Collosus, the Pie-Eater.

Scorpio - my advice is this: never hit your Mother with a shovel, it leaves a bad impression in her head.

See? With a few moments of quiet contemplation and a friend at the local newspaper office who owes you a favour, you too can have you own horoscope column.

Please note, this blog neither agrees nor disagrees, nor indeed understands, the views and opinion of David Icke, and any resemblance of the Author to a member of the alleged lizard-headed master race is entirely incidental.

Thought for the day - it's a long way to the top if you want to rock'n'roll. Night, all.